Sitting in waiting

OOOOOOOOOOOMG, crap, pants, fudge and other low-end swearing.

No updates, you moan?
That's because what is an ex-student meant to talk about apart from the void of finishing university and getting a full time job?

And now, now I must update, nay, vent, the very tension I feel at the prospect of opening my results when I get home! (*cough, several weeks late*)

Of course, I wont publicise my final mark online, no, that's the sort of information I put on my CV and don't give out to the general public.

Looks like I'll know which line to stand in when I find out what I got...

New workout plan needed: suggestions welcome!

'Sexercise' yourself into shape

The NHS has some new advice for people struggling to schedule a fitness routine into their daily lives - a workout between the sheets.

According to the NHS Direct website, "sexercise" can lower the risk of heart attacks and helps people live longer.

Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles, it states.

Sexual health experts said such claims could not be scientifically proven.

"It's good to see the NHS are promoting sexual wellbeing," Dr Melissa Sayer told the Guardian newspaper.

"Yes, there is evidence that sex has benefits for mental wellbeing, but to say there is a link with reduced risk of heart disease and cancer is taking the argument too far."

NHS Direct, however, told the paper the content was "backed by science and clinical evidence" and "isn't just a bit of fun".

'Regular romps'

The advice, published under the headline "Get more than zeds in bed", is one of several sexual health-related articles to be found on the NHS Direct website.

Sex with a little energy and imagination provides a workout worthy of an athlete, the article says.

"Forget about jogging round the block or struggling with sit-ups.

"Sex uses every muscle group, gets the heart and lungs working hard, and burns about 300 calories an hour."

The advice suggests "regular romps this winter" could lead to a better body and a younger look.

Increased production of endorphins "will make your hair shine and your skin smooth," it adds.

"If you're worried about wrinkles - orgasms even help prevent frown lines from deepening."

The article goes on to say that orgasms release "painkillers" into the bloodstream, which helping keep mild illnesses like colds and aches and pains at bay.

The production of extra oestrogen and testosterone hormones "will keep your bones and muscles healthy, leaving you feeling fabulous inside and out".

The tale of my lost temper...

Don't play your music on the bus. Sometimes even I can lose my temper... it happened a few months ago, as I was on an early morning packed bus. This is from an archived text message I sent on that day. I rewrote the shorthand in full English, but the swearing and conversational style is there to keep this memento of my rage:

Consider how often I lose my temper. Hardly ever. Mafuckin rage built up inside me, Times like this I felt just a little bit angry.

Some rudeboys in school uniform were at the back of this bus, where I had managed to find a seat. What I had a problem with was one had their phone playing music, then the other decided his was louder, so he turned his on THEN, right, the first one put his phone speaker at an angle to the window sill so it echoed all round where I was sitting! I mean, when I get angry enough, adrenalin pumps and I feel light headed, my vision goes slightly red in fact!
I'm there, arms folded, staring at them thinking "I am going to fuck you up if you look at me!" Being up in their grills how are you NOT going to look at me though?! So of course, I caught one of their eyes, and they gave me a '"What you staring at?' look, so I let them know!
I must've pulled some mean mug on them coz they went all quiet!

"What stop you getting off at? Okay, and I'm going to be listening to that music all the way to Richmond? What do you mean you don't care, the rest of this bus cares that you're playing your music that loud! Don't tell me to be quiet, there's 40 of us on this bus and TWO of you, what you gonna do?!" by then I'd got the attention of other commuters and they took my side of the argument.
A senior woman spoke up who worked for the school council and threatened to report them.
That was it, once people began havingh a go after what I started, it was out of my hands and they shut up and put their phones away. Bitch.


PS: Potential employers/relatives/wives-to-be/etc, I don't have anger issues!

Extras Extra

Wow. Not sure what to say. Where did I hear about it first? BBC? The paper? Or internet? Ah, I can't remember.

Last night, it was planned that I was to have a Ricky Gervais night at mine. Featuring a playlist of The Office Christmas episodes, his live 'Fame' standup and finally, on TV, Extras.

Oh, it was hilarious. The Office was because Christmas has just gone, and as host, I wanted to make it contextually fitting!
Fame well that was funny, but that's not what I'm here to talk about.

TV on, volume up, lights dimmed, doors closed, bladder emptied! BBC ident showing, intro sequence begins.

Big Brother? Wow! I let out a laugh (a quiet one, so that I don't miss a thing) because opening sequences that I don't expect (the intros to Extras always begin as a scene from a film or from the show that Andy, the programme's protagonist, for all you not knowers, is in).

From thence forth, I didn't know what to expect. I knew from watching the Office Christmas episodes that Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant could pen good series conclusions. But not the way last night.

As each episode in each series progressed, we see Andy climbing the slippery ladder to fame, and each time, Maggie sees him becoming a worse friend than before. So that had to go somewhere. Part of me was hoping there would be a romance. I've never seen Gervais do that. Oh, apart from in the Office. But you can see that sort of bond there between them, can't you?

I expected to laugh a bit more. But you're tipping the scales there between the midlife crisis Andy (and Maggie for that matter) is in with humour. Still, being Gervais, he never fails to make a cringeworthy fool out of himself anyway (stomach girdle snapping - LOL!).

Yet at the same time, and I respect Gervais for doing this as anything he puts his name on is a cash cow, manages to put every critical thing I have to say about fame and celebrity into the storyline/dialogue. Wow. I mean, is he doing that deliberately to let his fans know that being famous isn't everything, even though Extras could loosely be based around his climb to fame? Where did he learn to act for example? Because a long, emotional monologue (with real tears?) to the camera to Maggie watching at home was like "Whoah, that's powerful stuff from the man I seen on the extras of his DVDs, who clearly acts like a prat most of the time!"

"I'm sick of these celebrities living their life out in the open. Why would you do that? Fuck the makers of this show! The Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called Big Brother or The X-Factor. We wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires. Fuck you for watching this at home! Shame on you and shame on me!"

*applause from my settee*

Nancy Banks-Smith gave it an okay review in the Guardian. That's all well and dandy, but I would have preferred that Sam Wollaston fella myself. She said that the celebrity appearances were "etched in acid" and most of them were "good sports or... glad to be asked." I agree. George Michael turning up on the 'queer bench' as that Scottish character (the name escapes me) from the first series is talking to Andy - loud laughs among all! I, like her, thought that Hale and Pace were Chas and Dave...

Anyway, for me, it would be biased to try and review last night's episode like a TV reviewer as I'm a Gervais fan, it wouldn't be fair. Rather, I'll rate it on its 'wow' factor for fans, and I have to say, he did a great job with it. There was some different soundtrack throughout, which I'm not too sure fitted well with transitions. It ended negatively, highlighting the mid-life crises they were both facing, Andy, Maggie, Andy's agent and 'Barry' all lost their jobs, and in the end, Andy deceives his agent and quits fame forever. Sure, it was long, but fans such as myself stuck with it through all one hour and twenty-five minutes of it, and every up and down kept me hooked to see how Gervais was going to end it. As I said before, I don't know where he learned to write his scripts, or do emotional monologues (it was a good thing, as you never expect his characters to have the depth of emotion), but he did a good job.

So, "Wow."

And the figures are in: it scored 5m viewers!

The Miracle Before Christmas!

It's Christmas, it truly is!
We've a new addition to the family!

Twas a cold, foggy night last night. Or evening. Or day. I don't actually know the full details. Come close though, my friends, what I do know is this... (from what was retold to me):

So homegirl Chubby's (obviously not real name) brother was out last night/evening/day when he saw a scampering in the road. He went over to check what it was... a two-toned ball of fur, rodent like but with no tail - why, it was hamster!

After trying to capture it, but to no avail, he asked some lads from the swimming baths (I don't get why or how, either!) they managed to corner it, then went into KFC to get a chicken box (I shit you not, friends) to put it in.

The next day (today) I got a phone call in the afternoon from homegirl Chubby telling me this sad story of the abandoned hamster her brother had found, and did I want it?

Now, its been about two months since Tootsie (our other hamster) died. The house is sort of empty without her. This fella would have died of cold, been run over or eaten had it been left to nature, and it is Christmas: I said yes.

'Tis the day before Christmas. Some call it Christmas Eve Eve. I decided there and then on the phone to call it Miracles (pron.: Mih-rah-klees, as in how you say 'Hercules')

And that's the story of how he came to be.

He's in our sitting room, in his new home, by the fire. Oh, did I not mention he is a he? O he certainly is - you heard the phrase "hung like a hamster?" He defines it, they're huge! Huge in proportion to his tiny body, that is.

When you see him, be sure to give my orphaned friend a friendly greeting, because he is the Miracle of Christmas!

Fear of being a t'ird!!

It's my third year at uni - hooray, I made the first two! Only one more to go!

I've done my best to take it seriously.
Typical scenario:

"Hey Dave, wanna go out?"
FUCK OFF, DOING COURSEWORK, LEAVE ME ALONE!
"What a wanker..."

I was on fire in my first year - 70% upwards on module assignments. Who's a clever boy (hint: me)
At this time, however, I was still ignorant to university grade banding. '2.1?' 'Honour?' A 'first'? I'd heard all these terms on Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air as a young'n and thought they were just American grades so Carlton could go Harvard! I told you I was ignorant to uni grade bandings.

Last week I was in a learning skills lecture on what we want to get from our degree. We went over all that stuff. The rusty floodgates of my mind opened, and knowledge gushed forth, filling my knowledge tanks to the brim.

FLASHBACK! The second year of uni was different for me:

Got a girlfriend, Dave?
Nope.
Lonely?
Uh-huh. Where to I go from here?
Shiiiit I dunno, I'm just your conscience!
How can you help me?
I can't. But as you're dwelling on how lonely you think you are, I guess I can make it worse for you by reminding you how de-motivating some of your lecturers are.
GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
That's it, let it all out...

I got me a few 70%+ here and there. And a few below. And one fail.

YOU'RE BACK IN THE ROOM! We worked out a few examples of who we thought got a 1st, 2.1, 2.2 or 3rd. Something in the back of my mind is thinking 'What if the tutor is using your results as an example?'
Oh, and I learned that the first year doesn't count towards your final degree - WHAT?
Somewhere along the line, I switched off when they were telling me that!

To cut a long story short, it brought me to question what I'm going to get from my degree.
I did brill first year (even if I didn't have to), okay in my second, and my third year is going to be the hardest yet.

I have visions of me going to a job interview at a worldwide publication.
One queue for 2.1s and above. Pinstripe suites bought on Saville Row, promising futures. A second queue for those with a lesser degree, wearing cheap child-labour suits from Tesco . And me in it (dressed slightly better).

Or at airport customs. With a journalism visa. The customs officer opens it up, and for some reason, my degree is stamped on it too. He takes a look at me as if to say "I got the same degree as you, now look at me, having to work overtime here AND raise a kid at home, alone since my wife ran away with the postman who she was having an affair with since around the time she told me she was pregnant!"

Its not easy being at uni. Let's hope that every time I submit my assignments that I did them right, referenced them well and impress the marker.

Otherwise, you all know what my future is.

O Lecturer (a poem)

O Lecturer,
How you stand at your lectern,
Jowls wobbling,
Voice stuttering.
You are like a wooden puppet;
Your chin droops loosely.

Do you not know
Tis a Monday morning?
Students in their seats,
We all doze off.

Why can you not talk
In
Continuous prose
And
*cough*
Stop



With the long silence...



Every time you say something?

Fellow undergraduates,
Academi (that's probably fictional Latin)
How can we make notes
If our lecturer cannot speak well
Publicly?

My friends:
We are in a quandary.

Too much flavour!

So there I am, on Saturday, in a well-known, worldwide chain store that I've wanted to work for for a long while, and I'm feeling a bit hype because I've had a good day.
I saw they had vacancies, and as it happens, as I'm so very well prepared, I sent in my application early, online.
I ask the store assistant "Have you heard anything from me, I sent my application a few weeks ago?" So they get the manager.
The manager waddles over and says no, they haven't, can you fill out a paper form.
I go: "Is it okay if I print out what I put because I typed a lot and writing it would be an effort."
The manager's like "Sure," and walks off.
She leaves, so just to get a few pointers, I ask the store assistants "So, what did you guys put on you application to get the job?" Perhaps a bit loud, music was playing in the store.
The store supervisor (what a stupid position in any career) comes over and asks what the problem is.
Feeling hyped, I go "No problem, just asking these guys how to go about getting the job because I take failing [job applications] quite personally."
She starts, "You've already put the manager off already..." (HOW?) "...by saying you don't want to fill out a paper form, and she doesn't like your overall attitude... etc, etc, professional drivel you don't use when you're a mere supervisor at a global corporate company."

I'm thinking, 'Excuse me? What is my crime here? Being flavourful? Enthusiastic and willing to work Christmas, being hype, and you're making me feel like a dick because your manager has a grudge against EVERYTHING because she's overweight?!!!!'
This, my friends is the same woman who, when Akon's 'I Wanna Love You RADIO VERSION' (that is, 'I Wanna FUCK YOU'), she moaned to her colleagues that "Stuff like that just shouldn't be allowed."

See. A grudge.

Too much flavour.

A lecturer to make you go "eek!"

A tutor with a personality that shocks and amuses! Someone who is passionate about what they do, and, most importantly (this is the factor that most lecturers lack) someone who is so very professionally on the ball with strict morals. Me likey.

Someone who will behead me if I don't do my reading for the next workshop... I better go!

More money, fewer problems.

See, my problem recently has been I'm lying around the house doing not a lot. I haven't even done the mountain of washing opposite me. Farkin useless is both what I'm being and how I'm feeling.

At times like that I'm thinking why aren't I writing more? I've nothing better to do!

Anyway, desperate as I was, I wrote to my previous employer asking for some more work, as I was re-doing a university essay before when they asked me if I could work extra. I submitted the letter and wondered just how long it'd take before they got back to me. I'm checking my phone every few hours every day to see if they've called me back, which they hadn't.

I forgot about them. I thought they forgot about me. Then my phone interrupted the intelligent and probably political conversation I was having earlier. Guess what? It was them!

"We'd like you here, Thursday, 11am."

Cool.
10 minutes later I get a call from them again.

"Actually, can you work tomorrow as well?"

Well of COURSE I can!

The moral of my story? I don't know. Something along the lines of if you do stuff now, it will help you later. "What goes around." Without the negativity that normally goes with that proverb!

Sell yourself, my people. If people want an interest, they'll get at you.

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